Advocate

My son was Baker Acted yesterday.

He has ADHD/ODD and clearly did not want to do his work for the umpteenth time. So I got a call. Then his father got a call. And he spoke to his father the way he speaks to me for the first time ever. He knew he was in deep shit with me and his father and decided to divert our attention and tell everyone that he wanted to die. He proceeded to bang his head on a desk that is almost always designated for him in the school office.  When asked why he was purposely banging his head, he said that he wanted to “crack his skull open so he would die”. That’s the video I was sent via i message from the vice principal of the school.  I was on and off the phone all morning since I dropped him off. With this message, I ran. I left my computer on, coffee hot in the mug, and smoke behind me. My son was crying out for help.

I got to the school. He was already in the protection (from himself) of the Resource Officer at the school. She had to restrain him from hitting his head repeatedly. She asked him in my presence, several times, if he was sure he wanted to kill himself. He didn’t deny it nor did he show any kind of remorse for the display.  I cried. His father came. My fiance came. I cried some more. He cried. I had to explain to him what a Baker Act was.

Have you ever had to explain to an 8 year-old what a Baker Act is? The only thing he could hyper-focus on was that he would be somewhere for 3 days without the luxury of his home or seeing his mom or dad. He never uttered the words “I’m sorry” to me or anyone.  He was sorry, alright. But sorry for himself.

The counselor at school asked him what he thought the word “advocate” meant. He thought she said “adjective”. She said no, advocate is someone who fights for someone and speaks for someone. That his mom is an advocate for him. That I walked into the school this year for the first time and laid out what I wanted for him; the things I wanted him to accomplish and what I thought it took to get him there. She said that no one fights for him like I do. That i’ve made enemies trying to get everyone on the same page. That she envies him because he has such a strong and persistent mom.

I wish he felt the same.

We made it to the Emergency Room at the Children’s Hospital. My ex-husband, future husband, and me and my son. They watched me interact with him.  They watched me give up my license, walk him to the room, sit with him, talk to him. I felt sad eyes on us. Pitiful eyes. Concerned eyes. I wanted to scream at them and tell them to stop fucking staring. I wanted to explain that he isn’t normally like this; that he has never threatened suicide, ever. I wanted to explain that I really am a good mom; a great mom. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME!

He was released after a brief intake. He was found to obviously be in his right mind. That he was angry because he didn’t want to do his work. Because my step daughter broke her arm and got a gift from me to make her feel better. Because he doesn’t get anything from me. Because he has less attention. You name it, he used it as an excuse.

Later on, he was fine. As if nothing happened. As if all was right with the world. I can’t explain it. Or understand it.

The fiance and I fought. He called off the wedding and with my chin in the air, I said that that was fine with me. I knew he didn’t mean it. But I let him think I believed him. I told him to sleep in the other room. I told him that he needs to tell his family that HE called it off. He didn’t. He apologized. I forgave him. But I am still extremely angry.

So I went off the diet I have been on for a month. I ate four pieces of pizza.

Tonight I drank a bottle of wine.

Fuck it.

Cheers!!

 

 

Too Much Wine

So it’s been a few days.  I have not written.  I have not had much to write about.  I am currently engrossed in watching Game of Thrones.  I am now halfway through Season 3 and have learned of the King’s (Rob’s) “grandchild”. Isn’t it funny, that I worked so hard to find the right pregnancy test to test my urine to find out if I was pregnant..and all they had to do was miss a period. So much simpler then. No?

I am so unhappy!  I tried to tell “him” about it this evening and it fell on deaf ears.  “I think it’s all in your head” is what I heard but what I felt was a void.  A misunderstanding void.  I go to work. I come home. I take care of laundry, dishes, putting away laundry, homework, helping with dinner, baths, cleanup from dinner, pajamas, and bedtime.  This is for my own son and his three children when necessary.  Whatever is left of my time I spend studying for my classes or working.  I am SO unhappy! I tried to talk to “him” about it and I got nothing. My mistake. My misunderstanding. My melodramatic ways.

I am exhausted. I have had a half of a bottle of Sangria and a glass of Vodka and cranberry while watching Game of Thrones. Which I love.

I want romance. I want spontaneity and I am getting it with the cruise I am being taken on next weekend.

He does try. Bless  him.

 

 

 

All is Calm, All is Bright

Well, maybe that isn’t the most time-appropriate title for this post, but it fits.  My son is out of school for winter break like most kids.  It has been quite a challenge here and there keeping him calm and entertained all the while getting things done around the house while I’m not working (to be honest I’ve called out three out of the four days back to work anyway this week…shhh).  But I digress.

Z has ADHD which was diagnosed in 2015 and it has been somewhat of an uphill battle since then. He has attended two summers’ of camp at a school that specializes in ADHD and behavioral therapy.  This is where he was first diagnosed since his last school asked me to get him to the camp STAT over the summer.  They obviously saw something I didn’t and I am so glad they did.  You see, his grades are incredible; IQ high as a genius.  His behavior?  Not so great.  And the OCD quirks that sometimes travel with ADHD are a bit more than I can handle some days. More about this when the time comes to rant about it.

But today I stayed home. I worked a little and then decided to take Z to get some new shoes for school and run some errands.  And he was happy to go, although it took some coaxing to get him away from the Xbox. Once we were out of the house it was all about us and his desire to help me, open doors for me, and ask me where we were going and what we were going to do when we got there. We listened to The Beatles in the car and danced in the parking lot. We stopped at the pet supply store to look at the animals and then went on our way to buy shoes that he picked out himself. He was so proud of his shoe selection.

When we got home, we then went with B to dinner. The other three kids weren’t with us as they went back to their mom’s house this morning. His dad and their mom have time-sharing every other weekend.  So, Zach was quiet at dinner since it was just him.  He and I played the typical kids’ menu games, Tic Tac Toe and Complete the Square. He ate his food and was rewarded with dessert. He was polite. He was calm. He was at peace.

I looked at my son and wished a thousand times for him to be comfortable like this all the time; even when the kids are with us. I wanted to squeeze him and whisper in his ear like so many times before that it isn’t a competition; that he is the only one I will ever love and the only one that is a part of me.  I want him so badly to understand this and remember.

For a day, he was my little Z again and I was his Mommy and things were good.  Even when with B things were good; family-like even.  There was no fighting or yelling or tattle-telling or anger or crying or resentment. It was calm. And the future seems bright again.

Shine on, little man.

Cheers.