All is Calm, All is Bright

Well, maybe that isn’t the most time-appropriate title for this post, but it fits.  My son is out of school for winter break like most kids.  It has been quite a challenge here and there keeping him calm and entertained all the while getting things done around the house while I’m not working (to be honest I’ve called out three out of the four days back to work anyway this week…shhh).  But I digress.

Z has ADHD which was diagnosed in 2015 and it has been somewhat of an uphill battle since then. He has attended two summers’ of camp at a school that specializes in ADHD and behavioral therapy.  This is where he was first diagnosed since his last school asked me to get him to the camp STAT over the summer.  They obviously saw something I didn’t and I am so glad they did.  You see, his grades are incredible; IQ high as a genius.  His behavior?  Not so great.  And the OCD quirks that sometimes travel with ADHD are a bit more than I can handle some days. More about this when the time comes to rant about it.

But today I stayed home. I worked a little and then decided to take Z to get some new shoes for school and run some errands.  And he was happy to go, although it took some coaxing to get him away from the Xbox. Once we were out of the house it was all about us and his desire to help me, open doors for me, and ask me where we were going and what we were going to do when we got there. We listened to The Beatles in the car and danced in the parking lot. We stopped at the pet supply store to look at the animals and then went on our way to buy shoes that he picked out himself. He was so proud of his shoe selection.

When we got home, we then went with B to dinner. The other three kids weren’t with us as they went back to their mom’s house this morning. His dad and their mom have time-sharing every other weekend.  So, Zach was quiet at dinner since it was just him.  He and I played the typical kids’ menu games, Tic Tac Toe and Complete the Square. He ate his food and was rewarded with dessert. He was polite. He was calm. He was at peace.

I looked at my son and wished a thousand times for him to be comfortable like this all the time; even when the kids are with us. I wanted to squeeze him and whisper in his ear like so many times before that it isn’t a competition; that he is the only one I will ever love and the only one that is a part of me.  I want him so badly to understand this and remember.

For a day, he was my little Z again and I was his Mommy and things were good.  Even when with B things were good; family-like even.  There was no fighting or yelling or tattle-telling or anger or crying or resentment. It was calm. And the future seems bright again.

Shine on, little man.


Depos and Demons

B and I met about 3 years ago. He was in the process of getting a divorce and it got messy. Very messy. While I do not believe in trash-talking on social media, even when it’s anonymous, I will say that she is a narcissistic witch of a woman. They have three kids, A, C, and H. They have become my family; my kids; my demons. You see, if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t have to make a New Year’s Resolution to let shit go. Let the little things roll off. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Because the ex? “L”? She’s certainly been a source of anger and resentment on my part these past couple of years. And if B hadn’t been as loyal and such a good man as he is, he wouldn’t have tried as hard as he did to keep his small and eventual large family together. I say small then large because he had the hopes of having babies to fix crazy.

Didn’t work.

Quite the opposite.

But he tried, bless him.

But let me say this.

Ladies, if you have children with a man that you once loved and wanted to have said kids with, please don’t be a C U Next Tuesday and ruin it for them by freaking out when it comes time to get a divorce. Especially if the divorce is your fault. Move on bitches. Hold your head up high and move the eff on. Focus on your kids. On yourself. On finding a better life. Just don’t ruin everyone’s life in the process!

I had a child with my ex-husband. He basically decided one day that he did not want to be married anymore, so he asked me to leave. I proceeded for the next three months to find a condo and move our 2 year-old son out with me. (Yes I took my child with me because it was better than the alternative-more about this in later blogs) He didn’t blink an eye. I blinked several. I should have fought for the house we bought together. I should have fought for more child support because I have Z all the time except for every other weekend. I should have fought. But I didn’t. I valued my sanity and my mental health, however fragile, more than the fight. I wanted to be strong and sound for Z. So we remained friends and off and on still friends even now.

But she? She fights for everything. Time sharing. Calls. Money. Receipts. Schools. Haircuts. HAIRCUTS!

It’s so over-the-top it’s incredible. Which is why I have given up worrying about it. He’s frustrated tonight because a deposition was moved to a week late and a hearing to next month or something other or that.

Did I mention that they are actually divorced? Oh yeah. Have been for about a year or more. But the hits keep coming. When you’re dealing with a psychopath they usually do.

It’s unfortunate. Sometimes I wish my kids didn’t exist because it would be easier. But then I realize I refer to them as “my kids” and I bring myself back out of that hot mess of a thought.

Eff the system that doesn’t support good fathers.

Eff the women who think they know it all and are better than the fathers.

And eff the fathers that take advantage of the bad-ass baby mommas like me.

Just. Be. Kind. To. Each. Other. For. Christ’s. Sake.