Too Much Wine

So it’s been a few days.  I have not written.  I have not had much to write about.  I am currently engrossed in watching Game of Thrones.  I am now halfway through Season 3 and have learned of the King’s (Rob’s) “grandchild”. Isn’t it funny, that I worked so hard to find the right pregnancy test to test my urine to find out if I was pregnant..and all they had to do was miss a period. So much simpler then. No?

I am so unhappy!  I tried to tell “him” about it this evening and it fell on deaf ears.  “I think it’s all in your head” is what I heard but what I felt was a void.  A misunderstanding void.  I go to work. I come home. I take care of laundry, dishes, putting away laundry, homework, helping with dinner, baths, cleanup from dinner, pajamas, and bedtime.  This is for my own son and his three children when necessary.  Whatever is left of my time I spend studying for my classes or working.  I am SO unhappy! I tried to talk to “him” about it and I got nothing. My mistake. My misunderstanding. My melodramatic ways.

I am exhausted. I have had a half of a bottle of Sangria and a glass of Vodka and cranberry while watching Game of Thrones. Which I love.

I want romance. I want spontaneity and I am getting it with the cruise I am being taken on next weekend.

He does try. Bless  him.




All is Calm, All is Bright

Well, maybe that isn’t the most time-appropriate title for this post, but it fits.  My son is out of school for winter break like most kids.  It has been quite a challenge here and there keeping him calm and entertained all the while getting things done around the house while I’m not working (to be honest I’ve called out three out of the four days back to work anyway this week…shhh).  But I digress.

Z has ADHD which was diagnosed in 2015 and it has been somewhat of an uphill battle since then. He has attended two summers’ of camp at a school that specializes in ADHD and behavioral therapy.  This is where he was first diagnosed since his last school asked me to get him to the camp STAT over the summer.  They obviously saw something I didn’t and I am so glad they did.  You see, his grades are incredible; IQ high as a genius.  His behavior?  Not so great.  And the OCD quirks that sometimes travel with ADHD are a bit more than I can handle some days. More about this when the time comes to rant about it.

But today I stayed home. I worked a little and then decided to take Z to get some new shoes for school and run some errands.  And he was happy to go, although it took some coaxing to get him away from the Xbox. Once we were out of the house it was all about us and his desire to help me, open doors for me, and ask me where we were going and what we were going to do when we got there. We listened to The Beatles in the car and danced in the parking lot. We stopped at the pet supply store to look at the animals and then went on our way to buy shoes that he picked out himself. He was so proud of his shoe selection.

When we got home, we then went with B to dinner. The other three kids weren’t with us as they went back to their mom’s house this morning. His dad and their mom have time-sharing every other weekend.  So, Zach was quiet at dinner since it was just him.  He and I played the typical kids’ menu games, Tic Tac Toe and Complete the Square. He ate his food and was rewarded with dessert. He was polite. He was calm. He was at peace.

I looked at my son and wished a thousand times for him to be comfortable like this all the time; even when the kids are with us. I wanted to squeeze him and whisper in his ear like so many times before that it isn’t a competition; that he is the only one I will ever love and the only one that is a part of me.  I want him so badly to understand this and remember.

For a day, he was my little Z again and I was his Mommy and things were good.  Even when with B things were good; family-like even.  There was no fighting or yelling or tattle-telling or anger or crying or resentment. It was calm. And the future seems bright again.

Shine on, little man.


Depos and Demons

B and I met about 3 years ago. He was in the process of getting a divorce and it got messy. Very messy. While I do not believe in trash-talking on social media, even when it’s anonymous, I will say that she is a narcissistic witch of a woman. They have three kids, A, C, and H. They have become my family; my kids; my demons. You see, if it weren’t for them I wouldn’t have to make a New Year’s Resolution to let shit go. Let the little things roll off. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Because the ex? “L”? She’s certainly been a source of anger and resentment on my part these past couple of years. And if B hadn’t been as loyal and such a good man as he is, he wouldn’t have tried as hard as he did to keep his small and eventual large family together. I say small then large because he had the hopes of having babies to fix crazy.

Didn’t work.

Quite the opposite.

But he tried, bless him.

But let me say this.

Ladies, if you have children with a man that you once loved and wanted to have said kids with, please don’t be a C U Next Tuesday and ruin it for them by freaking out when it comes time to get a divorce. Especially if the divorce is your fault. Move on bitches. Hold your head up high and move the eff on. Focus on your kids. On yourself. On finding a better life. Just don’t ruin everyone’s life in the process!

I had a child with my ex-husband. He basically decided one day that he did not want to be married anymore, so he asked me to leave. I proceeded for the next three months to find a condo and move our 2 year-old son out with me. (Yes I took my child with me because it was better than the alternative-more about this in later blogs) He didn’t blink an eye. I blinked several. I should have fought for the house we bought together. I should have fought for more child support because I have Z all the time except for every other weekend. I should have fought. But I didn’t. I valued my sanity and my mental health, however fragile, more than the fight. I wanted to be strong and sound for Z. So we remained friends and off and on still friends even now.

But she? She fights for everything. Time sharing. Calls. Money. Receipts. Schools. Haircuts. HAIRCUTS!

It’s so over-the-top it’s incredible. Which is why I have given up worrying about it. He’s frustrated tonight because a deposition was moved to a week late and a hearing to next month or something other or that.

Did I mention that they are actually divorced? Oh yeah. Have been for about a year or more. But the hits keep coming. When you’re dealing with a psychopath they usually do.

It’s unfortunate. Sometimes I wish my kids didn’t exist because it would be easier. But then I realize I refer to them as “my kids” and I bring myself back out of that hot mess of a thought.

Eff the system that doesn’t support good fathers.

Eff the women who think they know it all and are better than the fathers.

And eff the fathers that take advantage of the bad-ass baby mommas like me.

Just. Be. Kind. To. Each. Other. For. Christ’s. Sake.



My first

an intro to me and mine

This is hopefully the first of many blog entries that I will be doing. With that being said, I don’t know how I could possibly fit more into my busy schedule. But I will try.

For those of you wondering what a 38 year-old mother of one, stepmother of three, post-mortem examiner, mortuary student, and girlfriend to a true geographer would have to say…the answer is plenty. I experience new things on the daily, it seems, and invite you to experience them with me, if you’d like. If not, move along. We don’t need your kind here.

It is currently about 50 degrees in Florida and my windows are open as are my sliding doors. It’s beautiful. Apparently, it’s even snowed about an inch in Tallahassee and Jacksonville!  Amazing. The horses just outside the neighborhood are frolicking in the chilly wind and I miss the days I used to have my own.

I recently saw snow fall for the first time last month.  My love (of nearly three years) took me to NYC at Christmas time which was one of the top things to do on my bucket list. Then it snowed. Another bucket list item. Having him get down on one knee and propose in the middle of Central Park while it snowed at Christmas time in NYC; now that would have been something. But alas, he did not.  I was ecstatic nonetheless.  I had no idea what cold was until the day after the snow; the wet, messy, cloudy day after the snow. I could live without that.

Tonight B and I are taking the kids to the drive-in theater to see Jumanji.  We are heading out in our pajamas and picking up food to eat there.  Should be fun if they don’t freeze to death.  Floridians.