Crying, Aging, and Pizza

So, I am really sucking at this.  For those of you that actually read what I write and like it, I apologize for my laziness. But I’ve been aging. And crying. And eating pizza (just now, actually).

Why am I crying?  I couldn’t fucking tell you! I cried in the car on the way home from school last night. I cried on the way to work this morning. I cried when I got to work. I cried during work. I cried eating said pizza, above. I cried when it was done. I just cried. For no goddamn reason.  Or at least, so I think.

I have battled depression my entire life. I began an abusive relationship when I was fifteen (fuck him) and it triggered my crazy I suppose. My mom was depressed all the time. My father was an alcoholic. My brother was favorite. So yes, I was depressed. Needless to say, I am on anti-depressants. Have been. But that one time of the month-you know this ladies-I want to cry, eat pizza, and kill people in no particular order. Apparently as you grow older, your Premenstrual Syndrome goes bat-shit crazy and out of control! I not only think I am going through pre-menopause at an early age (is it really at 38?) but I cannot handle this PMS. I emailed my psychiatrist that I haven’t seen in years and told him. He proceeded to tell me that if he puts me on this or that I’ll get fat (love him) and to schedule an appointment. Fine. March 7. At least my cycle will be going on and I can exhibit the nightmare I am when it is that time.

Aging is scaring me. I am a little over my ideal weight (ok so maybe 15 lbs over) and so my chin…or two…are exaggerated…or multiplied. I look in the mirror and only see this droopy skin and it reminds me of the nun that taught me in 8th grade and her “wattle” as coined by Richard Fish. So I have lotions and creams and try the exercises but all I want to do is have it removed. I should lose weight before I do that just in case it is weight related. I looked up Kybella and the needles going into my chin aren’t my idea of a good time. Cool Sculpting? Expensive. Botox? Not invasive enough. So not drinking, dieting, and running are what I am working on. Hopefully the fat on me will be shaken off while I run. Here’s hoping.  But first…pizza.

 

 

Too Much Wine

So it’s been a few days.  I have not written.  I have not had much to write about.  I am currently engrossed in watching Game of Thrones.  I am now halfway through Season 3 and have learned of the King’s (Rob’s) “grandchild”. Isn’t it funny, that I worked so hard to find the right pregnancy test to test my urine to find out if I was pregnant..and all they had to do was miss a period. So much simpler then. No?

I am so unhappy!  I tried to tell “him” about it this evening and it fell on deaf ears.  “I think it’s all in your head” is what I heard but what I felt was a void.  A misunderstanding void.  I go to work. I come home. I take care of laundry, dishes, putting away laundry, homework, helping with dinner, baths, cleanup from dinner, pajamas, and bedtime.  This is for my own son and his three children when necessary.  Whatever is left of my time I spend studying for my classes or working.  I am SO unhappy! I tried to talk to “him” about it and I got nothing. My mistake. My misunderstanding. My melodramatic ways.

I am exhausted. I have had a half of a bottle of Sangria and a glass of Vodka and cranberry while watching Game of Thrones. Which I love.

I want romance. I want spontaneity and I am getting it with the cruise I am being taken on next weekend.

He does try. Bless  him.

 

 

 

All is Calm, All is Bright

Well, maybe that isn’t the most time-appropriate title for this post, but it fits.  My son is out of school for winter break like most kids.  It has been quite a challenge here and there keeping him calm and entertained all the while getting things done around the house while I’m not working (to be honest I’ve called out three out of the four days back to work anyway this week…shhh).  But I digress.

Z has ADHD which was diagnosed in 2015 and it has been somewhat of an uphill battle since then. He has attended two summers’ of camp at a school that specializes in ADHD and behavioral therapy.  This is where he was first diagnosed since his last school asked me to get him to the camp STAT over the summer.  They obviously saw something I didn’t and I am so glad they did.  You see, his grades are incredible; IQ high as a genius.  His behavior?  Not so great.  And the OCD quirks that sometimes travel with ADHD are a bit more than I can handle some days. More about this when the time comes to rant about it.

But today I stayed home. I worked a little and then decided to take Z to get some new shoes for school and run some errands.  And he was happy to go, although it took some coaxing to get him away from the Xbox. Once we were out of the house it was all about us and his desire to help me, open doors for me, and ask me where we were going and what we were going to do when we got there. We listened to The Beatles in the car and danced in the parking lot. We stopped at the pet supply store to look at the animals and then went on our way to buy shoes that he picked out himself. He was so proud of his shoe selection.

When we got home, we then went with B to dinner. The other three kids weren’t with us as they went back to their mom’s house this morning. His dad and their mom have time-sharing every other weekend.  So, Zach was quiet at dinner since it was just him.  He and I played the typical kids’ menu games, Tic Tac Toe and Complete the Square. He ate his food and was rewarded with dessert. He was polite. He was calm. He was at peace.

I looked at my son and wished a thousand times for him to be comfortable like this all the time; even when the kids are with us. I wanted to squeeze him and whisper in his ear like so many times before that it isn’t a competition; that he is the only one I will ever love and the only one that is a part of me.  I want him so badly to understand this and remember.

For a day, he was my little Z again and I was his Mommy and things were good.  Even when with B things were good; family-like even.  There was no fighting or yelling or tattle-telling or anger or crying or resentment. It was calm. And the future seems bright again.

Shine on, little man.

Cheers.